Bullying Dimensions and the role of BJJ

As an early-millennial in a middle-class suburb, I grew up with fairly attentive parents, teachers, and miscellaneous supervisors who kept a watchful eye on the interactions between my peers and me. Sure, I was harassed a few times, and I regret to admit that I was responsible for some harassment, but nobody was ever physically injured or emotionally scarred to the best of my knowledge. I was fortunate to have a low-level of bullying in my community.

But since my childhood, it feels like parents have become even more protective. Gone are the days (in my community at least) where kids play outside, ride their bikes to a friend’s house, or even walk home from school by themselves. Childhood interactions now come via prearranged “play-dates” with a carefully cultivated group of peers. Disagreements are handled by helicopter parents who jump in at the slightest onset of tension. I don’t mean to get on a soapbox either: I am guilty of my fair share of micromanagerial parenting.

But what if overprotective parenting comes with a cost? One line of thinking suggests that depriving children of conflict and adversity may result in adults who are fragile and unable to cope with the rigors of adulthood. This made me wonder: are there any aspects of bullying that are good for kids? And can we achieve positive outcomes without the trauma?

Dimensions of Bullying

I’ve created a very rough model to help structure our thoughts. Let’s first consider the bully. His/her intentions can be organized along a spectrum starting from malicious intent on one end, where the bully’s goal is to cause physical or emotional pain. As we move away from malicious intent, let’s give the bully’s actions a charitable interpretation by assuming they are expressing light-hearted humor. There is truly no harm intended.

Let’s also consider the frame of mind of the bullied. The bullied can receive an interaction from the bully with different attitudes. On one end of the spectrum, the bullied may be in a sensitive or vulnerable position. On the other end, the bullied may have a confident, strong, or empowered mindset.

When these two spectra are combined along different axes, then four possible interaction dynamics emerge. We did this by rotating the bully axis vertically to create a two-dimensional plot with four quadrants.

We can consider each quadrant and what the best course of action would be for the bullied. These recommendations are built upon the assertion that one can only control his/her own thoughts and responses. As in all relationships, the bullied has no control over the bully’s actions or intentions.

• Quadrant I - Mean bully and vulnerable bullied. This is classic bullying. The bullied should seek help if he/she is unable to avoid the bully.

• Quadrant II - Mean bully and confident bullied. Internet trolls and “haters” fall into this category of bullying. The best strategy for the bullied is to entirely ignore. Any response, positive or negative, gives the bully attention and provides them with a win. The bullied can even use the presence of haters as a source of strength. Harmful bullies tend to harass people who are doing well out of jealousy, or a desire to make a content person share their pain, so take it as a sign that you are doing well. Keep going.

• Quadrant III - Playful bully and confident bullied. Banter, playful teasing, and “breaking balls”. Among trusted friends (the kind that emerge on the BJJ mats), a little bit of rubbing is not a bad thing. It teaches us to roll with the punches, to not take ourselves too seriously, and it reminds us that we are not without flaws. Paradoxically, the ability to laugh at yourself signals confidence to the playful bully. It means that you know that they are joking, their jabs are intended as humor, and thus nothing to get upset about. It is a way for the playful bully to know that he/she has chosen to associate with a confident person. So enjoy being part of a group that cares enough about you to engage in a little verbal jiu jitsu.

• Quadrant IV - Playful bully and sensitive bullied. Edgy comedians need to constantly remind the audience that “these are just jokes”, because inevitability there will be somebody that takes offense. This interaction provides an opportunity for the bullied to stop throwing pity parties and to outgrow their coddled childhood. Make a practice of rejecting the victim label and laugh it off with a bully who is trying to be playful.

So can bullying be positive in some contexts? Yes. In a supportive and trusting environment we can use playful banter to build confidence and to keep us humble at the same time.

BJJ for Confidence

What is the best way to move oneself along the bullied spectrum towards security, strength, and confidence? Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is my preferred method. We challenge each other every day with the goal of getting better. Just like playful banter, our training partners keep us humble while we develop real skills, physical strength, and legitimate confidence. This effect can be replicated in other sports or martial arts, but the grappling martial arts (like BJJ, judo, and wrestling) provide this growth in a very natural way.

Improvement on the mats becomes a friendly competition where every body grows and everybody wins. We attack with good intentions and learn to defend with confidence. This absolutely translates to confidence and humility in everyday life for all who embrace it.

After you’ve completed a tough session with close training partners, there’s not much anybody can say to you that will drag you down.

How to be a bully

If you are in a position to be a supportive bully, it is very important that you communicate your intentions clearly. It’s very hard for your “sparring” partner to know that you mean no harm, because it can be difficult sometimes for the bullied to read intentions. This is especially true if you are working with a vulnerable/sensitive partner. They must know that you are teasing them because you love them, not because you hate them. They must know that you don’t see their flaws as immutable sources of shame, but rather superficial features to bond over. And remember to provide appropriate challenge — don’t overdo it on somebody still learning to be less sensitive.